Our Journey with Conjoined Twins
Abby & Erin
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
*this is most likely going to be a very "real" post as I am feeling very broken and worn down*
Tears are a strange thing. I've been thinking about this lately. You cry when your sad, and when you're happy. You can cry when you're scared, you can cry when you're overwhelmed, and you can cry when you're relieved. It is amazing how many meanings your tears can have. And I feel like in this past week my tears have expressed every emotion possible.....
People ask me how I am doing literally ALL THE TIME. And pretty much all of the time I say "I'm doing okay", or "well", or "good" etc. Very rarely will I tell someone that I'm not okay, because I don't want to seem like a burden or a downer. But I am starting to feel like I am not able to do that anymore. Today was a day that broke me. I have been strong through a really long and exhausting week. We had family visit last weekend and ended up having some personal issues that were really emotional and exhausting. And then two days later the girls had their MRI which was so scary since they were being intubated for the first time and going under anesthesia. And then today was a circus.
I am not going to go into detail about some of the personal issues going on right now. Just know that this situation affects so many people in our family. It's hard on me being here alone, it's hard on Riley being home and away from us, it's hard on Riley's and my parents because they are watching their children go through hardships in which they can't change, and the ripple effect goes on and on. But please pray for our family as we are struggling with all of this. Everything is becoming so much more real about how big this is and how stressful it is. And some how life HAS to move on. Bills still need to be paid, insurance needs to be figured out, work needs to be done, laundry has to get done, and bathrooms need to be cleaned. Riley and I wish that we could just stop everything going on around us to just sit and be with our girls, but we can't life has to go on and it sucks, I am sorry for the bluntness but it just Sucks. We know that we will get through it and we know that God has a plan, but in this trying time it just sucks and there is no way of sugar coating it. But just know there were a lot of tears shed this past weekend from multiple people about what is going on and they were tears of pain, frustration, confusion, sadness, being scared, and so many more.
Then on Wednesday the girls had their MRI and CT scans. Now let me tell you. Watching your children be wheeled off knowing they are heading to the OR is such a scary feeling. Even though they were just going to be put under anesthesia and be intubated. It was scary. I wanted so badly to kick and scream and cry and hold the girls back and never let anything scary happen to them, but you can't, you have to let them go and trust that the people caring for them are doing everything they can to help them. But that doesn't make it any easier. As I sat in the surgical waiting room I realized that this is where I will be waiting when the girls have their actual surgeries....and that scared me literally to my core. Even as I am writing this the tears are flowing because of how scared I am to let them go through this. I know it will be better in the long run, but right now they are like normal little babies who are just attached. I know I am going to be putting them through on of the very hardest things they will have to go through in their little lives and they will be only 3 months old. Ugh it hurts me more than I knew I could hurt.
With the thought of surgery coming up the Drs are all on high alert making sure the girls aren't sick. So of course last night the girls heart rates were really high even when they were asleep and they just seemed agitated so of course the Drs think that they may have caught something. So they had a few little tests done that were sent out to hopefully get an answer. But then as the morning came and went on Abby's blood pressure was appearing to get lower and lower every time they took it and so they began to worry and decided to do a septic (correct me if that isn't the correct term or spelling) work up to make sure that they girls weren't going into septic shock from an infection that they didn't know about yet.
Today was literally the worst because of this. I had to watch my girls, who by looking at seemed completely normal, get poked and prodded like I have never seen before. Blood draws, catheters, IVs, blood pressures, stool sample, respiratory cultures, literally everything you could think of. And this took a little over and hour and the entire time the girls just screamed. They cried their little hearts out and there was nothing I could do. I have never felt so helpless in my entire life. And a lot of time I couldn't even comfort them because there wasn't room at the bedside because of the amount of nurses that were there. It felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest and stomped on over and over and over. I think the worst thing in the world is watching your children hurt especially when you can't help them. I can't swoop in after everything is done and rock them to sleep. All I can do it stand next to them and hold their little hands or rub their backs. They're getting to be a little to big to comfortably hold on my own anymore and its a little bit of and ordeal to get them out of bed when they are hooked up to IVs and such. It is just so hard to know they want that comfort of being snuggled when I can't snuggle them in the way that they want, and that I so badly want.
I love my girls with all my heart but today was one of those days I just kept asking why. Why my girls, why did this happen to them. What is the plan here. I know God has one but I just feel so in the dark right now, and I know things are going to be harder. Both Riley and I are nearing the end of our ropes and it is such a scary place to be when you feel like your heart can't take anymore and you know that you're not even halfway through this battle. It just hurts and the tears flow. And all I can do right now is cry, and pray that somehow God gives us the strength to keep moving forward. That he gives us the strength we need to be comfort and love for our daughters. Strength to be there for each other as Riley and I both have struggles.
Crying seems to make you feel lighter and heavier at the same time. It's and relief and an exhaustion. It's a sign of weakness, but also a sign of strength. I am learning it's ok to let others see you cry. That this isn't easy and that neither Riley or myself need to be strong all the time. That's why we have a perfect God whose strength is shown in our weaknesses. And that is something I am so incredibly grateful for because today I feel very weak.
My name is Heather Delaney. I married the love of my life Riley on 10/02/15 and we now have two beautiful girls Abby & Erin, who are conjoined twins, that were born 07/24/16. We are trusting that God is going to work all this out for his good!