Our Journey with Conjoined Twins
Abby & Erin
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
Romans 8:28
Romans 8:28
*this is most likely going to be a very "real" post as I am feeling very broken and worn down*
Tears are a strange thing. I've been thinking about this lately. You cry when your sad, and when you're happy. You can cry when you're scared, you can cry when you're overwhelmed, and you can cry when you're relieved. It is amazing how many meanings your tears can have. And I feel like in this past week my tears have expressed every emotion possible..... People ask me how I am doing literally ALL THE TIME. And pretty much all of the time I say "I'm doing okay", or "well", or "good" etc. Very rarely will I tell someone that I'm not okay, because I don't want to seem like a burden or a downer. But I am starting to feel like I am not able to do that anymore. Today was a day that broke me. I have been strong through a really long and exhausting week. We had family visit last weekend and ended up having some personal issues that were really emotional and exhausting. And then two days later the girls had their MRI which was so scary since they were being intubated for the first time and going under anesthesia. And then today was a circus. I am not going to go into detail about some of the personal issues going on right now. Just know that this situation affects so many people in our family. It's hard on me being here alone, it's hard on Riley being home and away from us, it's hard on Riley's and my parents because they are watching their children go through hardships in which they can't change, and the ripple effect goes on and on. But please pray for our family as we are struggling with all of this. Everything is becoming so much more real about how big this is and how stressful it is. And some how life HAS to move on. Bills still need to be paid, insurance needs to be figured out, work needs to be done, laundry has to get done, and bathrooms need to be cleaned. Riley and I wish that we could just stop everything going on around us to just sit and be with our girls, but we can't life has to go on and it sucks, I am sorry for the bluntness but it just Sucks. We know that we will get through it and we know that God has a plan, but in this trying time it just sucks and there is no way of sugar coating it. But just know there were a lot of tears shed this past weekend from multiple people about what is going on and they were tears of pain, frustration, confusion, sadness, being scared, and so many more. Then on Wednesday the girls had their MRI and CT scans. Now let me tell you. Watching your children be wheeled off knowing they are heading to the OR is such a scary feeling. Even though they were just going to be put under anesthesia and be intubated. It was scary. I wanted so badly to kick and scream and cry and hold the girls back and never let anything scary happen to them, but you can't, you have to let them go and trust that the people caring for them are doing everything they can to help them. But that doesn't make it any easier. As I sat in the surgical waiting room I realized that this is where I will be waiting when the girls have their actual surgeries....and that scared me literally to my core. Even as I am writing this the tears are flowing because of how scared I am to let them go through this. I know it will be better in the long run, but right now they are like normal little babies who are just attached. I know I am going to be putting them through on of the very hardest things they will have to go through in their little lives and they will be only 3 months old. Ugh it hurts me more than I knew I could hurt. With the thought of surgery coming up the Drs are all on high alert making sure the girls aren't sick. So of course last night the girls heart rates were really high even when they were asleep and they just seemed agitated so of course the Drs think that they may have caught something. So they had a few little tests done that were sent out to hopefully get an answer. But then as the morning came and went on Abby's blood pressure was appearing to get lower and lower every time they took it and so they began to worry and decided to do a septic (correct me if that isn't the correct term or spelling) work up to make sure that they girls weren't going into septic shock from an infection that they didn't know about yet. Today was literally the worst because of this. I had to watch my girls, who by looking at seemed completely normal, get poked and prodded like I have never seen before. Blood draws, catheters, IVs, blood pressures, stool sample, respiratory cultures, literally everything you could think of. And this took a little over and hour and the entire time the girls just screamed. They cried their little hearts out and there was nothing I could do. I have never felt so helpless in my entire life. And a lot of time I couldn't even comfort them because there wasn't room at the bedside because of the amount of nurses that were there. It felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest and stomped on over and over and over. I think the worst thing in the world is watching your children hurt especially when you can't help them. I can't swoop in after everything is done and rock them to sleep. All I can do it stand next to them and hold their little hands or rub their backs. They're getting to be a little to big to comfortably hold on my own anymore and its a little bit of and ordeal to get them out of bed when they are hooked up to IVs and such. It is just so hard to know they want that comfort of being snuggled when I can't snuggle them in the way that they want, and that I so badly want. I love my girls with all my heart but today was one of those days I just kept asking why. Why my girls, why did this happen to them. What is the plan here. I know God has one but I just feel so in the dark right now, and I know things are going to be harder. Both Riley and I are nearing the end of our ropes and it is such a scary place to be when you feel like your heart can't take anymore and you know that you're not even halfway through this battle. It just hurts and the tears flow. And all I can do right now is cry, and pray that somehow God gives us the strength to keep moving forward. That he gives us the strength we need to be comfort and love for our daughters. Strength to be there for each other as Riley and I both have struggles. Crying seems to make you feel lighter and heavier at the same time. It's and relief and an exhaustion. It's a sign of weakness, but also a sign of strength. I am learning it's ok to let others see you cry. That this isn't easy and that neither Riley or myself need to be strong all the time. That's why we have a perfect God whose strength is shown in our weaknesses. And that is something I am so incredibly grateful for because today I feel very weak.
20 Comments
Lana Lemons
10/8/2016 05:54:01 pm
It's okay sweet mama! You are carrying your load and feeling terrible and tired and depressed...I can only imagine how difficult it is to handle this...but I think you are going through a normal reaction to all of it. But you have a God that is bigger than all of this, so talk, cry, scream, whatever it takes to get you through this because He has you and you family and your beautiful babies in the palm of His hand....Hold on to that sweet one...He's got you all! Prayers for you and your loves..
Reply
Diane Hyde
10/8/2016 06:04:33 pm
I'm so sorry that things seem so overwhelming for you. Definitely will be praying for you and you family. Crying does help, so just cry away.....
Reply
Krista
10/8/2016 06:24:28 pm
Oh Heather. You guys are doing amazing things. I know exactly how you feel. Watching your child hurt and suffer is the most painful thing I've ever been through. You feel helpless, scared, sad, angry, and a million other emotions at once. You would do anything to trade places with them. Some days you feel like you can't do this another day, or another hour, or another minute. I know this is so hard and so stressful. You are doing it though. You guys are fighting. You're doing what needs to be done. God is watching over you. He has a plan for your family. He loves you guys. He loves your girls. This is my from one of my favorite talks. It sums up life when you are a parent with a sick child:
Reply
Courtney
10/8/2016 06:36:14 pm
As a mom who has littles who have been in NICU and the hospital for several things, I'm going to offer a piece of advice you can feel free to take or leave. If the the girls need to be poked and prodded and your assistance isn't needed, ask the nurse if you can step out and come back to comfort the girls when the procedures are done. Sometimes that's easier for your heart, especially when you're navigating with out other family members present. Sending continued prayers for all of you!
Reply
joan
10/8/2016 07:07:16 pm
I cannot even imagine how hard it is....r try to say I get it...I don't...what I can say is thank you for being vulnerable, for allowing me to see how hard it is so i can better know and pray for you. I can say that I am here to hear you...you are not a downer. You are an amazing woman, mother and wife who is going through something that most of us cannot even fathom. prayers for you, your girls, you and Riley, extended family, drs and nurses. You are strong....strong doesn't mean you never say it is hard, or you are suffering, or you do not have the answers...strong means you keep putting one foot in front of the other...day after day, tears and all.
Reply
Holly Brown
10/8/2016 07:25:43 pm
I can sympathize with you about handing your 3 mo old over to mere strangers for them to go into surgery...my youngest daughter was born with a bilateral cleft lip and cleft palate....she had her lip repair at 3mos old....there is no worse feeling, but you have to dig deep within to find the strength to be strong for them....my daughter has since gone through 3 more additional surgeries, the most recent this past February at age 9yrs old....it wasn't any easier at that age...but with God on our side, we can do anything...She is definitely our blessing from God as our your girls...Stay Strong! 💜💜
Reply
Sue Mulholland
10/8/2016 08:05:37 pm
Heather and Riley... I wish there was something I could say or do to make this easier on you both. You all are always not far from my thoughts and always in my prayers. I know this is hard on you and Riley, you both are awesome parents. My heart goes out to you both. Heather as a mom my self i understand how your heart hurts when your child is in pain or hurting and there's nothing you can do to comfort them. You both do not always need to be strong you have a lot of people who you can lean on, I am always here if you need to talk. You have a lot of people praying for you all. Take one day at a time. Sending love to you all. God Bless you and Riley and those precious girls Abbey and Erin.
Reply
Claire
10/8/2016 10:53:41 pm
Sending much love to you, know that through this all you are loved and supported by legions of angels and its okay not to be okay. Let it all out, because it does suck and sometimes we dont know why all these things happen, seems cruel and horrible.Know that you have incredible strength inside of you that will help you through all of this and when its all over and done you will look back and be amazed by everuthing that you have overcome and that you really are so strong and brave and that you did overcome this time in your lives. So much love for you and your family ❤❤❤
Reply
Vicki
10/8/2016 11:29:37 pm
Sweetheart, you've been strong for so very long! Thank you for opening up, I hope it helps somewhat to write it all down! I just want to say - it's ok to have these times! Just keep telling God and He will sort everything! I know it feels like you are carrying everything by yourself, but know that behind the scenes- you are weary and scared BUT God is carrying you! He's got this!
Reply
Roberta
10/9/2016 06:44:51 am
Dear Heather, When you are weak, you are strong in Him. When you cannot endure one more thing, God carries you through. Let the tears flow. God sees every tear and hears the cry of your heart. May you totally and completely rest in Him. He loves you deeply. He loves your girls too. I'm praying that God will heal the babies and bless you beyond what you can even imagine. Love, Roberta
Reply
Debbie Lewis
10/9/2016 12:08:34 pm
I am so sorry that your girls and you and you family are enduring
Reply
Pamela Bel Anu
10/9/2016 01:00:04 pm
Dearest Heather,
Reply
Sue Cetinski Ferguson
10/9/2016 01:03:57 pm
Heather your words today touched my heart so deeply as you poured out your struggles and feelings and fears. Everything you are feeling is normal in these most stressful of circumstances. Please allow yourself to cry without feeling bad about it - God gives us tears for healing. Please try to get some physical rest for yourself as well and know that we continue to pray for your precious little girls and for you and your family.
Reply
Marilyn Blasone
10/9/2016 02:36:41 pm
I don,t know you but Roberta has shared with our bible study about your daughters. Your letter brought me to tears. No one could possibly know all you are both going thru. The only thing I do know that the Lord is right there with you and the girls. As difficult as it is we have to trust Him.I will be praying for all of you.
Reply
10/9/2016 03:25:09 pm
Heather as a nurse and mom I can relate to your anguish and feeling helpless. Sadly we find ourselves in situations we have no control over. That only leaves us the courage to face what we can control. Crying is cathartic and releases that pent up anger and frustration at the situation your precious angels face. Please know you all are in our thoughts and prayers.
Reply
Dawn
10/9/2016 06:11:33 pm
Heather we are praying for you. Take it 1 Day at a time. God promises to give us this day our daily bread. The greater the trial the greater the victory!
Reply
Rachel Benson
10/15/2016 08:30:53 pm
Oh my heart just hurts with you. I am very new to your story, I saw it on Facebook from a post that a friend shared. What a heart-ripping, wrenching time. To feel helpless in being able to comfort and protect your itty bitty ones. I admire your faith. And I admire your vulnerability in sharing the reality of the struggle. There are no pad answers here. I believe faith is most beautiful when it also acknowledges the struggle. Right?! I am reminded of a beautiful truth God opened my eyes to after I experienced two miscarriages. I was mad at God. I assumed he was trying to "teach me something" like this cruel teacher and I was just TIRED of being "taught" something through the struggles I had faced- many major things in a matter of months. And yet, as I read a book a dear friend had given to me, called "I will carry you", the Holy Spirit whispered to me that his heart toward me was not focused on teaching me anything right now. Instead, he was crying with me. Tear for tear. His heart was weeping with me and was so sad that I was experiencing such pain. Just like the story of when Lazarus died, and when he came to Mary (or Martha?) and she was crying. That is when Jesus wept. It didn't matter that he knew that he was going to raise Lazarus from the dead soon. He wasn't even focused on that. He was focused on Mary's hurting heart. And how much he Loved her and was so broken over the pain she was feeling. Wow, such empathy and love. Sure, out of God's Goodness and Grace he being His Good out of our struggles. They won't have happened in vain for those who trust in Him. But in the moment when we are filled with such pain and tears, He is right with us, in that moment, weeping with us. What a heart of love. So keep sharing your story, and keep crying. Keep being real. God is near to the broken-hearted. He rescues those whose spirits are crushed. I love you, even tho I don't know you! 😢
Reply
Genevieve Clingman
10/20/2016 01:18:55 am
Heather, could you please email me? I'd like to send you something.. one mom to another. I have two littles, but haven't a clue how difficult your journey is. Please email me. <3 [email protected]
Reply
Isabella Lucas
11/10/2022 05:14:36 am
My ex-husband and I had always managed to stay friendly after our divorce in February 2017. But I always wanted to get back together with him, All it took was a visit to this spell casters website last December, because my dream was to start a new year with my husband, and live happily with him.. This spell caster requested a specific love spell for me and my husband, and I accepted it. And this powerful spell caster began to work his magic. And 48 hours after this spell caster worked for me, my husband called me back for us to be together again, and he was remorseful for all his wrong deeds. My spell is working because guess what: My “husband” is back and we are making preparations on how to go to court and withdraw our divorce papers ASAP. This is nothing short of a miracle. Thank you Dr Emu for your powerful spells. Words are not enough.
Reply
Leave a Reply. |
AuthorMy name is Heather Delaney. I married the love of my life Riley on 10/02/15 and we now have two beautiful girls Abby & Erin, who are conjoined twins, that were born 07/24/16. We are trusting that God is going to work all this out for his good! Archives
March 2021
Categories |